usually at this time of year i reflect on the changing of seasons, the way autumn has gracefully displaced the green fragrance of summer, the leaves turning different shades of brown. but to tell you the truth, i haven't really noticed that this year. maybe it's the bizarre weather that philadelphia has been struck with, frigid rain to sunny warmth confusing my sense of change.
as i reflect on how the semester's been so far, i'm utterly amazed at how good and faithful God is. for the first time since first semester freshman year, i am truly enjoying college. and it's not that circumstances have changed drastically in my life, or that things are now perfect. rather, i think i have finally, finally learned how to have joy, joy that lasts despite all situations. joy is knowing that God is good, and that all things work for the good of those who love Him. joy is trusting and surrendering to His plans, seeking His ways. joy is receiving from God with thanksgiving, and allowing yourself to love and to be loved. it's crazy, to think that i've lived all my life without knowing this, that i'm just beginning to understand it. and crazier still when i think that, if it hadn't been for my past difficulties, i would still be seeking to understand this elusive thing called joy, so difficult and yet so easy to have.
and in the midst of my joy, i am filled still with sorrow. because i realized today that as believers, we are the hands and feet of Jesus. we are His face to the lost and His outreach to the poor, we are His love to the wounded and His grace to the broken and if i am His witness and if i am His worker than i am so... lacking.
i think i am afraid to believe in a God who is good beyond imagination. i am afraid to believe that God desires to bless and honor those who are righteous, those who seek His kingdom and His glory. i am afraid to hope that God will give good things to His people, even though i know that God is good. i am afraid because i don't want to be disappointed. and i know that there has to be something wrong with this theology, that somewhere in this whole thought process there is still a lack of trust, a lack of surrender.
so close i believe You're holding me now in Your hands i belong You'll never let me go
i opened the A8 door as we sang those words; the security guard who'd been peering into the window stepped back in apology. as i made my way out of drl, i looked back and saw her continuing to stand outside the door, singing along in praise to with the rest of the congregation. this sight, of a fellow sister separated from the rest of the congregation and yet a part of our fellowship in Christ, blessed me so much. and i knew that even though the notes she sang were off-key, they were a perfect melody to God's ears.
God really blessed me with an opportunity to interview in Chicago this morning. it was good to be back in the midwest, even though the weather was just as dreary and wet as it'd been this past weekend in philadelphia, although not nearly as cold. i got to catch up a little bit with my sister and eat good sushi. i also got to spend a night in the ritz carlton four seasons. and dude. that hotel is freaking baller. first, it's located on michigan ave, in the water tower place, which is a really well-known mall. also, it apparently has a really famous spa, according to one of the other interviewees from yale. they have people to greet you at the door, usher you in, and hail cabs (and walk you to the cab with an umbrella), bellhops to carry your luggage if you have it, receptionists who walk around the counter to hand you the room key in person. when you enter the room, the tv is set to play orchestral music from an xm station, the room is equipped with featherbeds, bathrobes, complimentary internet and shoe shining service, and the closet light opens automatically when you open the door. the room service menu is more expensive than a steven starr restaurant. and the lobby was amazingly, breathtakingly beautiful, and i am rarely impressed by interior design. basically, the words that i am using to describe the ritz do not do it justice.
last night, as i was getting ready to sleep - which is amazing, because i am never able to sleep in hotels, but the beds at this hotel were just that comfortable - and still reeling from the overall ballerness of the hotel, God reminded me of something.
i miss creative writing. when was the last time i said more with less?
just friends
we are a collision of tangled emotions and repressed words your indecision paralyzes me. my heart holds my breath as your fingers catch a strand, meaning so much more than the overlap of boundaries being crossed.
you smile with all the force of a gentleman’s agreement and i question the sincerity in your arms, your eyes soft with unspoken lies. you’re the early darkness under my skin.
i am stronger than your subtle whispers and your unconscious kindness, though my breath still catches with every mention of her name. i laugh with practiced ease and discard further interpretation.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4
people keep saying that trying to find a job is really a measure of how well you can sell yourself. and in the midst of this whole trying-to-sell-myself thing, i find myself wondering - what do people really see when they look at me? i keep hearing people's opinions, the things they tell me and other people about me. i know the things about me that impress people, the things that make people laugh, such as my narcoleptic tendencies in class, and also the things that they say behind my back, the things i need to work on. i hear job recruiters telling me that i'm a leader, friends telling me that i'm smart, people telling me that i'm wise. but every time i hear something like this, my heart wants to violently reject what i know are well-meant compliments. it is all i can do to smile and say thank you, all the while knowing that i cannot take credit for these things.
because i don't see those things when i look at myself. i know that i've grown and changed so much in these past several years, and i can see it and feel it, but i still see someone who has yet to be perfected. i see someone who was given so much grace. when people tell me that i'm smart, or congratulate me for achieving something, i want to tell them to stop. because i know that it was only by grace and through grace that i was able to accomplish anything.
and that's what i want people to see. God's grace working in me, grace that He gives so freely, grace that He pours out so abundantly.
and i know that you don't understand the fullness of my love how i died upon the cross for your sins and i know that you don't realize how much that i give you and i promise, i would do it all again
just to be with you i'd do anything there's no price i would not pay just to be with you i'd give everything i'd give my life away
God is worthy of my joy.
think about that. i hope it's as profound for you as it is for me.
these past two weeks have been a continuous wrestling, a fight for joy. and i think that this is true of life. life is a giant fight for joy, and each and every moment is a decision to choose. and i am reminded again and again how good God is, how good to us.
life is busy. took the LSAT on saturday, assignments due, trying to find a job, interviews coming up, pan-asian and gcc responsibilites. but i don't want to focus on those things. suffice to say, i am the busiest that i have been in a while. yet despite this busyness, i am content. i am satisfied because He is enough. it is His love that defines me. and all i want right now is to be in His presence.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13
