Thursday, 20 May 2010

  • the turn of tassels from right to left happened in an unexpected fashion for me.  on the whole, the end of college was reminiscent of the struggles that made me so happy to be starting college in the first place.  and it seems fitting, that as i write this last entry in my xanga of 8 years (sorry xanga, but it's finally time for a change) that this is still my story.


    i don't know how open and honest to be about this weekend.  i want to tell you that i was fully content, that the occasion was filled with much joy and cause for celebration as well as bittersweet parting.  and that was a part of it.  but it was also filled with stress, anger, impatience, hurtful words, and late night tears.  for me, family has always been the hardest to love.  maybe it's the years of unresolved pain we've caused each other, the lack of communication we share.  maybe it's just stubbornness or clashing temperaments.  whatever it is, somehow when we are together, i think we become the people we least want to be.

    as i prepared to cross the threshold into young adult life, i began to lose hope.  hope that Christ's love could actually change this situation in my life.  that my love for my family would ever mean more than harsh words misinterpreted, that our method of healing would become more than pretense, acting as if nothing had ever happened.  that my family could ever become people i depended on or reached out to.  in many ways, things haven't changed.  my father's anger problem.  my mother's lack of hearing.  my sister's affinity for cruel words.  my own impatience, selfishness, pride. 

    ah, i asked God, why haven't we changed?  i thought we had grown.  i thought i had grown.  yet my heart is still so ugly, and i stood so ashamed, i didn't feel that God's grace was sufficient for me in this situation.  surely, i thought, God must be so disappointed in me.  just like my family.

    but God's hand reached out to me, and the healing process has begun, thanks to the brothers and sisters that He has graciously placed in my life.  through them, i felt God showing me that He loves me and my family much more than i can fathom, so much so that He won't allow our situation to stay like this.  we've been growing blind to our lack of unity, settling for a fake peace, masking the cracks in our relationships with excuses and justifications.  and while ripping the bandage off to air the wound may hurt, only then can true healing begin.


    and so once again, all i can say is that i am one in desperate need of grace.  and He is faithful to provide.   this xanga, these 8 years cataloging His work in me is a testament to His faithfulness, His love, His hope.  i am so different from when i started this blog, and yet i can say that i am more myself - that i am becoming who i was created to be.  hopefully this next blog will continue to reflect God's change in me.

    morethanbeautifulhyperbole.blogspot.com



Monday, 10 May 2010


  • your love is
    cheap
    like cigarettes and boxed wine
    the scent of gas station perfume lingering on
    crumpled cotton sheets
    your smile, the integrity of
    a politician
    before election day
    hearts won by empty handshakes
    the tragedy of a nation.

    i don't know what
    love is
    more than shallow convenience
    or beautiful hyperbole

    if love is a game
    which of us is losing?



    we keep loving because God never stops loving us.
    despite everything, over everything, through everything.
    because He gave everything.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

  • it's almost may. 

    the past several weeks have just been a whirlwind of emotion.  i have been simultaneously broken down and raised up, emptied and filled, heartbroken and blessed, bitter and joyful. 


    what can i say?  graduation is steadily approaching, and the future is near.  but all i want to do is to live faithfully day by day, learning to pick up the cross and die to myself with each hour, each minute, each second.  some days it comes easily, others it's a struggle.  but i am constantly reminded and learning that God is faithful, that God is sovereign.  the world is much bigger than my little pains and struggles, and i need to remember what i'm truly living for.


    i'll put You in front of me
    so everybody can see
    my love, this is my love
    i know that i'll be alright
    as long as You are my guide
    my love, this is my love



Sunday, 18 April 2010

  • tonight i walked down to the river's edge, needing to get away from the sounds and sights of college.  it amazes me that in the midst of the city there is a narrow strip of serenity, and no matter what whispers of danger i hear nothing can convince me that this quiet solitude needs to be feared.  there's something special about the river, at night a deep pool of flowing darkness, glimmers of light like hope rippling through. 


    as we prepare for the boston church plant, i think each of us is beginning to feel the effects of spiritual warfare.  my soul is weary and weighed down with struggle after emotional struggle, as if the enemy knows my greatest weakness and is attempting to break my spirit.  and maybe that is what's happening.  feelings of abandonment, betrayal, loneliness - the greatest pains for my "love-me" heart.  every day is a struggle not to become bitter, every day a fight to remind myself of His truths.

    can i rejoice, that i have been considered worthy to suffer for His name?  can i delight, that i may share in the fellowship of His suffering?
    oh Lord, give me strength.

    this is my prayer in the battle
    when triumph is still on its way
    i am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
    so firm on His promise i'll stand




Monday, 12 April 2010

  • how is it that
    four years is a lifetime
    but a moment is an eternity?


    i've been doing a lot of reflecting on the past four years, especially because grad night is coming up.  somehow i have to condense four years into three minutes, purifying and extracting the essence of what i've learned into one final goodbye.  in this process, i've gained new insight into why some things were the way that they were.  as i take yet another step back, i can see even more clearly how crazy faithful my God has been to me over these past four years.

    do you ever feel as if life before college was lived by another person completely?  the memories from high school seem so distant that i'm almost not sure if it's me that's doing the remembering.  who am i now?  and who will i be in another four years time?  will it be another eternity, will these past four years become another life left behind?



    i need to stop trying to live in places other than Here and Now.





    we'll always have those summer dreams.